Burn
by SongsofPsyche1945
Summary: Kili thought he would never see his brother again after he was taken by orcs. He was also sure that they would never find him again with burn marks on his face and fear in his heart. But they did, and now he has to help Fili through the aftermath of an event that never should have happened. (trigger warning: panic attacks and mentions of non/con)
1. Chapter 1

Prologue:

Running. They were running over the golden hills. Kili was in the lead. He looked over his shoulder and shot down an orc. He heard the yelp of the warg and picked up his pace. Ori and Nori were ahead of them, throwing rocks. The attack had come out of now where. One second they had been marveling over the stolen swords of the troll's hoard and the next they were being chased by thirty-some orcs and wargs.

Kili heard a scream, and turned around to see Fili, his brother, being dragged to the ground by a heavy black net, and several arrows poking out from his leg. Kili lunch towards his brother, but he was held back by Dwalin.

"There's nothing you can do, Lad." The older dwarf growled.

"No! No Fili!" Kili cried, struggling against Dwalin's strong arms as he was pulled into the cave that the wizard had led them to. They were being chased by Orcs, and in broad daylight! Kili watched helplessly as one of the orcs pulled the net that contain his brother towards him and lifted him onto his warg. He could hear Fili screaming, he could see the blood of his brother trickling onto the yellow grass. The last thing he remembered as Dwalin dragged him under was the terrified face of his brother, blonde hair matted with blood as he was dragged away by filth into the bright light of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

Kili felt the heated tension even before he heard the raised voices drifting upwards from the downstairs kitchen. It had been a day and half since they arrived at Beorn's, two and half days since they had been reunited with Fili—who had been taken by Orcs during their journey to Rivendell almost a month ago. Kili had thought he would never see him brother again, and was even more surprised when Azog had presented his brother as a trade for Thorin's life. If it hadn't been for Gandalf, and for the eagles, they would all be dead. Kili could see feel the shock and the fear as he and in his mind's eye he could see Fili, being dragged away from him by the orcs. He could still see his brother's face and Kili was pulled down into the hole by Dwalin. He could still hear his brother's screamed as they had taken him away. And now he was back. But he wasn't the same. When Azog had presented him to Thorin, Fili had been bone thin, and his hair had been cut short, but worst of all were the burn marks on his face, arms and hands. Like someone had thrown him into a fire. His face was bloody, and his clothes rags. He barely had the strength to look up, let along fight for his life. It was a miracle that he had survived.

Kili winced again as he heard more shouting, and then the shattering of glass. Fili had not forgiven Thorin yet for allowing him to be taken by Azog, and for allowing him to be a bargaining chip in the search for the mountain. This was not the first fight they had, and it probably wouldn't be the last. Even though Fili tried not to show it, he had changed since the last time Kili had seen him. He absolutely refused to let anyone touch him, and he barely spoke a word—when he wasn't screaming himself horse at Thorin. Kili knew enough about orcs and their prisoners to know that something had happened to his brother, the burn marks on his face and hands spoke for themselves but it was hard trying to fix it when Fili wouldn't talk about it. Or even acknowledge it. Kili had since stopped trying to bring it up, hoping that Fili would come to him when he was ready to talk.

Silently, Kili cursed himself for not keeping a closer eye on his brother, and he winced as he heard another bang and then a shout. He got into the kitchen just in time to dodge an anger induced knife as it embedded itself int the wall three inches away from his face. He stepped away from the knife and turned his focus in on the fight happening in the middle of the kitchen;

Fili was standing against the counter, rage and fear distorting his face as his hand grasped for another knife to throw at Thorin, who had his hands up in the air begging for Fili to stand down.

"Fili-Fili please try to understand-."

"I don't need to understand. You left me to die. Just like how you left my mother. You don't care, you-."

"Stop. Fili just stop and listen to me-."

"No!"

And another knife flew through the air, barely missing Thorin. It hit the steel stove with a loud band, making Kili jump.

Kili looked up to see a startled Balin and Dwalin walk in through the other side of the kitchen, drawn in by the noise Fili and Thorin were making. Kili walked over to them in three strides.

"Grab them. Make them stop. We cannot have this. Not here." Kili whispered to them quietly. Their host, Beorn was still out in the woods. Who knew what he would do if he came back to find his knives all embedded into his wall.

Kili jumped into the rumble, successfully grabbing Thorin and pulling him out of the way just as another knife flew through the air while Balin and Dwalin pulled Fili away from the remaining knives.,

"Stop! Stop! Please. Get off me. Don't touch me-stop!" Fili shouted as he struggled against the dwarves holding his arms.

Thorin gave Kili a helpless look. "Thank god, Kili. You're the only one who can calm him down. Please, help me."

"What happened?" Kili asked

"We were talking, and then—I don't know—something made him upset. It-it-I don't know." Thorin tried to explain.

Kili nodded his head, trying his hardest to understand his uncle. He did not know much about what was happening between his brother and his uncle. Even though Thorin had raised them, he has not necessarily been present through their childhood. Kili felt much closer to Balin and Dwalin than he did to his own uncle. When they had lost Fili, it was Balin who Kili had consoled not Thorin.

"Don't touch me. Please. Stop. Stop. Stop." Fili was pleading, his eyes wild as he fought to escape the elder dwarve's grasp.

Kili then realized; Fili wasn't fighting them to continue to get at Thorin, he was fighting to escape. Kili stepped forward towards the three of them.

Fili met his eye and struggled to pull his arms from behind his back, eyes wide and pleading.

"Kili. Kili, tell them to let me go. Please. I'll be good. I promise. Please? I can't-please Kili..."

"Let him go." Kili said

"But-."

"He won't hurt anyone else. Not with me here. Give him some space. Let him go. Now."

Balin and Dwalin let for of Fili instantly. Fili remained still, panting slightly as he crossed his arms in from of his to keep his hands from shaking.

"Fili, are you with us?" Kili asked after he had calmed some

Fili looked around; from Thorin to Kili, to Balin to Dwaline. Hands shaking and eyes glassy, then he turned and bolted up the stairs and out of sight.

The small group stood in silence, and Kili took this chance to survey the damage they had done; one knife embedded into the wall, three bent knives on the floor, a very scratched up steel stove, the kitchen table was overturned, chairs skewed. Kili walked over to the knife and used both hands to pry it from the wall. He marveled at Fili's strength and aim. He revealed at the fact that if the knife had been just three inches more to the left, he would be dead right now,

Holding the knife in his hand, he turned around to Thorin.

"What happened? What started him off this time?" He asked

Fili had been...unstable...these past few days. One minute he was fine, and the next he was a mess. He was ashamed of his short hard, of his burnt skin, that he had allowed himself to captured. Kili tried to be there for Fili, but it was hard to see his brother so broken. The others had learned to tip toe around Fili, afraid to say something that would make him upset. Kili knew part of the reason why Fili was acting this way was because he thought Thorin had left him behind to be taken by the orcs. That Thorin had a habit of leaving broken things behind. It had been a rude awakening for Thorin when Fili had woken up and instead of being grateful that they had finally rescued him from the orcs, he had taken one look at Thorin and turned towards the wall, refusing to speak.

"We were talking, and something just snapped." Thorin answered

"It may be best for the two of you not to be alone together right now." Balin said, looking from Thorin to Kili and then to the door which Fili had fled.

Thorin nodded his head, "I just wish he'd..."

"I know. He will. Just give it time."

Thorin turned to Kili, "Kili could you...?"

"I'll go check on him. He'll be fine, I promise." Kili assured his uncle, and then he turned towards the dark hallway and started his ascend up the stairs towards his brother.

888

More should be up tomorrow! Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

888

"Fili?"

Kili found Fili in one of the spare bedrooms, curled up in the farthest corner with his head on his knees.

"Fili, look at me." Kili said quietly

Fili stayed still and silent.

"Fili, look at me." Kili tried again, not ignoring the shaking in his brother's hands.

"Go away, Kili. I'm fine." Fili muttered softly

"Fili...please?" Kili whispered queitly, and winced when Fili continued to ignore his presences.

"Fine. If you're not going to look at me, then just listen. What was that, out there? I don't know what had been going on with you—I don't know because you haven't said more than two worlds to me since we found you—but what I do know is that this had gone on way too long. Don't think I haven't noticed how you flinch away from everyone—including me—or how you never look anyone in the eye anymore. I know you have had your troubles with our uncle, but this had gone too far. What happened between you two?"

Fili froze, and for a moment Kili actually though he had gotten through to him, then Fili spoke, so softly that Kili thought he had mistaken it for the one inside his head.

"Why do you care?"

"What?"

"Why do you care so damn much about what happened to me? All you've done these past few days is hover over me. Like I am a bomb about to go off. Like I have said a million times before; I am fine!"

"Because you are my brother, Fili. You will always be my brother and I do care about you. You don't get to ignore me, Fili. Don't shut me out. Please, let me help you. I don't want to lose you." Kili said in a quiet whisper.

Kili stared at Fili, who had scooted farther away from into the shadows of the corner. Kili could see the burn scars on his face, the darkness seemed to highlight them instead of hiding them and Kili wondered once again for the millionth time what else the orcs had done to him, how far had the torture extended.

Kili walked over to him, kneeled down and slowed extended his hand towards him.

"Why don't we talk-."

"Stop!"

He was cut off by a sharp intake of breath as Fili immediately flinched away from his touch and jumped up away from him like he had been burned. He shot Kili a death glare before he walked over to the other side of the room, crossing his arms as he stared out the window.

"Don't touch me." Fili said in a barely audible whisper.

Kili nodded, stood up and stuck his hand deep in his pocket.

"Alright...but please, Fili can you just talk to me? Please, what is making you so upset? Was it the orcs-"

Kili winced as Fili visibly flinched his head away, as if the very name of his captors hurt him.

"Or...Did something...did something else happen, between you and Thorin before the or-before you were captured? Something that you haven't talked about, because I have never seen you like this with Thorin before. Please. Tell me."

Kili took a step towards his brother, and when Fili remained still, he stood another step then stopped. He looked up and was surprised to see that Fili was battle for composure as he sat down on the edge of the table and brought trembling hands to his face. He was acting...scared...as if Kili was going to strike him at any moment.

"Fili..." Kili walked over to him and bent so that their eyes met.

"Look at me" he said

And he waited patiently for Fili's glassy eyes to me his. Their eyes met for a split second and Kili forced himself to not flinch away from the shattered soul he saw. Then Fili looked away, at the ceiling, at the furniture, at the floor. Anywhere but Kili.

Kili sighed.

"I'm not going to hurt you." Kili repeated. Fili ducked his head, and shook it from side to side.

"And I'm not going to let you push me away."

Kili stared at his brother for a few more seconds before carefully, and slowly—very slowly—pulling over a chair and sat down in it, making sure to give his brother plenty of space.

"I am here to help you, Fili. Whether you believe it or not, I am on your side. If you want to hate Thorin for leaving you behind, I will be right next to you, hating him with you but, we are guests in this house. We cannot have knives being thrown or tempers flaring up every other day. Beorn was relecutant to take us in the first place, I doubt he will tolerate his walls being destroyed. Please, let me help. I can talk to Thorin, have him give you some space. But, I can't do anything if you don't tell me what the problem is. Please. Let me help you."

Fili remained where he was, sitting on the table, his blue eyes glistening in the light and Kili could tell he was thinking things over—trying to figure out what to say.

"When they took..." He started, and he faltered. Kili remained quiet, hoping his brother would have the courage to continue.

"Azog wasn't-." He faltered again, shaking his head. Then stood up from the table. the table moved and something on the other side of the table fell, making both of them jump. Fili crossed the rom towards the window in three gliding steps. He crossed his arms over his chest as he stared out the window for a few moments, then turned away from it and looked at Kili.

"Something...something happened to me while I was held captive...bad things...things that have happened before...and like before...Thorin did nothing."

The last word came out in a growl, and Fili pounded his fist on the window sill making Kili jump. He stayed silent though, hoping Fili had the courage to continue talking.

"He stood there and watched them...me-watched them ….hurt me and did nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing." With each word the pounding became louder and harder.

Kili nodded his head, trying to understand what his brother meant, but it was hard, Fili wasn't making much sense.

"Thorin never wanted them to capture you. You didn't see him after you were gone. He begged Gandalf to let us go after you. He begged the elves to help us. They all said you were gone.

Fili shook his head, "But I wasn't." He whispered softly, glaring at his reflection in the window.

"I know. I know, Fili. I wanted to go after you too. I-."

"But you didn't."

"I know. I tried. I really-."

"You didn't try hard enough! You left me to the orcs!"

"Fili-."

"You let me BURN!" Fili shouted, whirling around and glaring at Kili with a snarl on his lips. The burn marks on his face and neck illuminated by the last rays of the sunset.

Kili's eyes stung with unshed tears, how could Fili think that? How could Fili think that he didn't care about him?

"I never wanted this to happen. You have to believe me, Fili, brother. I am on your side. I want to help you. Please." Kili pleaded with his brother. But Fili was far too angry to care about anything at this point.

"Leave me." He growled

"What-?"

"Go away. Leave me alone."

"Fili-."

"GO!"

Kili had no choice but to turn away from his brother at the window. He walked towards the door and put his hand on the doorknob. He paused for a moment and thought about saying something but then he looked at his brother and winced at the radiating stare that Fili was giving him. He ducked his head, and left the room.

888

More to come soon! Please review :)


	4. Chapter 4

Kili fought back tears as he stared at the closed door. Half of him really wanted to barge back into the room, grab Fili by the shoulders and shake him he told Kili the truth. But Kili knew he couldn't do that, it wouldn't help him, and it definitely wouldn't help Fili. The only thing he could do was the hardest; walk away and try again later.

He gave another sigh, and then slowly walked down the hallway, back down the stairs and into the kitchen. He paused when he saw his uncle sitting at the kitchen table, staring into the stove's fire.

"Uncle?" Kili asked quietly as he walked into the room.

Thorin's eyes flashed up, but he smiled when he saw Kili.

"Kili." He said, and then he motioned for Kili to come sit next to him.

Kili sat, and for a moment they were silent.

"How is he?" Thorin finally asked

Kili remained still, how was Fili? Angry, shamed, upset? What could he tell his uncle that wouldn't make him more upset at himself?

"He spoke to me, a little bit. He kept talking about things that happened before, when he was younger. He kept saying that you watched and did nothing. It didn't make much sense to me."

Thorin immediately tense, "What did he say? That he remembered? What did he remember?" He asked, his voice a thin brittle whisper.

"He wouldn't say. When I asked him he became angry and kicked me out. It was bad, Uncle. I've never seen him like this before."

Thorin's eyes were grave as he stared into the fire.

"I thought he would be too young to remember." He whispered after a few dense minutes of silence.

"Remember what?" Kili asked

"What happened to your mother."

Kili stared at his Uncle. This was the first time he had spoke of his mother, the first time in years that he had even mentioned her. Kili didn't remember his mother, she had died giving birth to him. Or at least, that's what Thorin, and Balin had told him.

"Uncle, my mother died giving birth to me." He stated, sitting down next to Thorin by the fire.

Thorin shook his head slowly, "That's what we decided to tell you. To shield you from the truth. You and Fili, but he remembers. I can't believe he remembers. This...this changes everything."

Thorin's rambling wasn't making sense.

"What happened to her?" Kili asked

Thorin remained silent, staring into the fire with dark, haunted eyes.

"Thorin. What happened to my mother?"

"My sister was taken by orcs. It was a Sunday afternoon. She and Fili had decided to walk down to the meadow. I thought nothing of it. She left you with Balin. You were only a few months old. They never came back. It took us four days to organize a search party, and another week to find them. Or what was left of them. They-." Thorin broke off with a wince and gripped his hands into fists.

Kili nodded his head, now he was starting to understand why Fili was so upset, why he was angry at Thorin. In his mind, Thorin had all but abandoned him, again.

"You know orcs, you have seen what they do to their victims. By the time we found them, by the time we found them it was too late. She was...gone. And what left of her told a story of shame and defilement. We didn't even know Fili was still alive until we heard him crying. And we thought, he's so young—only a babe-he wouldn't remember this. He wouldn't understand what had happened. We thought we were safe. We brought him home, and he seemed fine. He always seemed fine. But he wasn't. He never was...I...I have failed him as an uncle. And now, now he won't even look at me."

"I wish you had told me, Uncle." Kili said, staring at Thorin.

Thorin nodded his head, "I wish I had too. I wish I had been honest with both of you."

Kili sighed, and for a long moment there was nothing but their breathing and the crackle of the fire.

"He said something to me earlier today, he said that the orcs hurt him like they did before. And I had no idea what he was talking about but now...do you think...the orcs..." Kili broke off, it was too terribly to say, too terrible to think that those monsters would hurt a child, too awful to think that this was the second time that Fili had to go through something like this. That they had allowed him to be captured, and to be hurt again.

Thorin looked at him, and Kili had a strange sense of deja vu as he looked into his Uncle's shattered eyes. And without Thorin saying a word, Kili knew the answer.

"What can we do? He can barely look at us." He asked

"I know."

"He threw me out, last time I tried to talk to him."

"I know."

"We can't sit here and do nothing."

"I know. I know, Kili. I don't know what to do.I don't even know where to start." Thorin snapped, pulling his eyes away from the fire and standing up sharply.

"Maybe...maybe you can take him outside. Get some fresh air in the garden. The hobbit is always talking about his garden, maybe it will help. Give him something to do with his hands."

Kili nodded, he never saw Fili as much of a gardener but at least it was the start of an idea.

"Okay. I'll try."

888

Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

Kili yawned in the bright morning light. He had spent the night curled up outside Fili's closed door, hoping beyond hope that Fili would open the door and let him in. Fili had not, but he had accepted Kili's invitation to look at Beorn's garden and gather some vegetables for the hobbit to cook lunch with. Beorn had also hinted that the tomatoes needed to be weeded.

Kili kneeled down next to one of the planter boxes.

"We can start with the weeds in this one, I think Beorn will appreciate us tending to his garden.," he said lightly to Fili.

Fili sat down, close enough to reach the plants but a good three feet from Kili. He looked a little skeptical of Kili's plan and Kili knew he would rather be brooding upstairs but the sun and dirt would be good for him.

Kili then started pulling the weeds, and Fili after a few thoughtful seconds, starting pulling too. They worked in silence. Thorin's story hung heavily on Kili's mind. Kili had always looked up to his brother, his strong, golden brother who never let anything get to him. He had no idea of the painful secrets that Fili had been hiding from the world all these years, and now, he had no idea how to talk to his brother.

They worked in silence. To Kili it seemed like days, instead of just a few hours. Fili kept his distance, and he didn't meet Kili's eye once. Until Finally-

"I'm sorry, Kili."

"It's alright." Kili said, pausing where he was and looking up at his brother.

"No, it's not." Fili answered

"What?"

"I'm not okay." Fili whispered.

"I know, can you tell me-?" Kili asked, holding his breath.

Fili shrugged his shoulders.

"Fili, look at me." Kili said, scooted a few inches towards his brother. Fili in turn backed away from him, hands clutching the wooden sides of the planted boxes.

Kili sighed, "Is this about what Thorin said in the kitchen yesterday, because I think he was in the wrong-?"

Fili shook his head.

"Yesterday you told me that nobody cared about you. I am listening to you now. Please, brother, tell me what's going on." Kili pushed gently.

"It's not that simple..." He started, but then he trailed off. A dead far off look in his eyes, a look Kili had never seen before.

"Please..." Kili asked again, trying to be gentle, trying to not scare his brother away.

Fili winced and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I can't..."

"Yes you can."

Fili shook his head again, "No, no, no. I cant." He whispered in a thin voice.

Kili sighed, "Please, don't do this. Please don't shut me out. I am your brother, let me in, Fili. I'm only trying to help."

He scooted another inch towards Fili and winced as Fili flinched away from him.

"Stop. STOP. Please, stop it."

"Fili?"

"I remember...I remember when I was taken with Ma. I remember everything. They hurt her. They...murdered her and I can never escape it. I can never escape the look in her eyes when the life drained from them. I can never forget her screams. It's too much. I can't...I can't do it anymore. It's too much. I can never escape it. When they took me again I thought I was going to die like her."

Kili's chest hurt for his brother, who had to carry this burden with him all these years.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why didn't you tell Thorin?" He asked

Fili shook his head, "I couldn't. I didn't want him to see me as weak, or as a failure."

"Oh Fili. You are not weak. You are strong. A survivor. You escaped the horrors of the orcs not once, but twice. I don't think I could find another dwarf as brave as you." Kili said, scooting closer to his brother and grabbing his hands. For once, FIli didn't flinch away from him.

"They hurt me, like they hurt Ma." Fili whispered

Kili nodded his head, but he honestly did not know what to say.

"They burned my skin, and cut my hair. I have tarnished the Durin line." Fili continued in the same, thin whisper.

"No. No Fili. You are the bravest dwarf I know. You are my brother. Please, don't lose yourself in shame." Kili said quiet, squeezing Fili's hands gently.

"Everytime I close my eyes, I am back with them, listening to the laugh, listening to her screams. Sometimes, sometimes I don't know where I am or why I am still here. I cant. It's too much to bare." Fili said. He let go of Kili's hands and brought them up to his painfully short hair. He started rocking back and forth, "I don't know who I am anymore. I hear my name but it means nothing to me. I don't know why I'm still here. I've lost everything. They took everything from me. It's gone. I'm gone. All gone." The whispers were becoming louder and more frantic as he became lost in his memories.

"Fili. Fili, look at me." Kili said, and he grabbed his brothers shoulders.

He waited patiently for Fili to look up at him.

"I know your name." Kili said

Fili stared at him, drinking in his every word.

"Look at where you are, look at where you started. Just that you're alive is a miracle." Kili said

"What was taken from you, it was terrible. A terrible, terrible loss. But you have not lost yourself. You have not lost my love. I know who you are."

Fili's face crumbled, "But I don't-."

"You are Fili. Son of Dis, heir to the throne of Erebor. You are Thorin's nephew. But most importantly, you are my brother. My golden, strong brother. And I will be here for you, no matter what."

Fili stopped shaking as he looked at Kili dead in the eye, and Kili looked back. For the first time since they had found him, there was a slim glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"I'm Fili." He whispered.

Kili nodded, "Yes. Yes you are. You are Fili. And no one can take that away from you."

"I am Fili." He repeated, this time louder, stronger than before. He stood up straighter, and Kili saw a glimpse of the brother he remembered, coming out of the shadows.

"I will not let...I will not let what happened to me define me...because I am Fili and I am strong."

"Yes! Yes you are! You are strong!" Kili answered, smiling at his brother.

Fili smiled, the warmth returning to his eyes.

"Kili..." He said

And then slowly, he reached out for him and Kili accepted his embrace.

"I will always be here for you. You know that. Whenever your feeling lost, or afraid, come find me. I'll promise to try and make it better for you." Kili said

"Like you did just now?"

"Yes."

Kili smiled. He could still feel the tremble in Fili's embrace.

"Thank you, for telling me. I know it wasn't easy. But we do have to discuss one more thing."

Fili's eyes flashed up in panic, "Kili...I want to tell you more, but-I need more time-I don't think-I haven't found the words yet-I don't know..." He stumbled through his sentence, but falter when he saw Kili shake his head.

"No. No it's okay. You did really well. You don't to tell me anything else until you are ready. This is completely different, I promise; we have to work on that knife throwing habit of yours. Next time it might actually hit someone. You can tackle, me, Thorin, Bilbo—anyone you want-, you call yell and scream-even though Id rather you not- but the knife throwing has to stop. I cant even imagine what Beorn is going to say when he finds half his knives embedded in the wall. It must stop. Okay?" Kili asked, giving his brother the most stern face he could muster.

And then he remembered something he and Ori used to do when they were little and really wanted something.

Kili extended his hand, pinky raised up.

"Promise?" He asked

Fili stared at his hand, and then up at Kili.

"What?"

"No more knife throwing." He wiggled his pinky and smiled.

Fili scoffed, "What are we? Children?"

"Please?"

Fili froze, eyes glued on Kili's extended hand, and Kili realized that this would be the first time Fili actually reached out to anybody to touch them since he was rescued from the orcs.

"Fili, look at me." Kili asked again

Fili looked up at him

"You have to trust me."

Fili sighed, and then reached his hand out and linked his pinky with Kili's.

"Promise." He said. The he paused, "What about a dagger? Can I throw one of those?" He asked, and then he smiled. A true smile and Kili saw a glimmer of the old FIli shining through.

Kili shrugged, "Sure, but only if it's a small one."

He still knew that Fili had a long way to go before he was fully recovered. But he was glad that they had taken the first step together.

888

Thank you for reading, please review!


End file.
